An appeal to our humanity.

It’s 2022, and I can’t believe we even need to have this discussion.

In a final act of monstrosity — after seven decades of the same — the late Queen’s dying wish to have her “beloved” corgis join her in death has surprised even the most astute royal watchers. Her eight stub-tailed servants (Bobbins, Peony, Wendell, Etching, Darnmont, Héloïse, Spiderman, and Zed) are to be euthanized and buried alongside the Queen’s earthly vessel. But should we really be surprised?

We are all aware that Queen Elizabeth II was never the most animal-loving monarch.

From the day of her coronation until 2008, E2 would offer freshly grated rhinoceros horn for the pasta course at all state dinners. The World Wildlife Fund estimates that at least 85 critically endangered rhinos were hunted for this delicacy, their carcasses left to molder under the savannan sun.

Prime Minister David Cameron was brought in for a frank discussion after a particularly public exhibition of the Queen’s brutality. On September 7th, 2014, the decrepit but conniving Queen goaded her royal steed to trample hundreds of stoats, hedgehogs, and other beloved Redwallian characters on the London Mall, horrifying tourists and local businesspeople alike.

All of this is to say: it’s no surprise that Queen Eatlizardbeth II wouldn’t go to her fiery fate without her fluffy hostages. But we must not sit by and watch.

So what can we do? We can contact our friends across the pond and tell them that this will not stand. Send an email to royaleuthaniser@buckingham.co.uk and ask for an ounce of humanity.